why

why did GOD make women strong and men weak.

i know you would ultimately know why W. why my dad is weak and mum is strong, although i am indepted to you for the strength you have given her all these year without anyone by her side, i know i would have crumbled if in her position. but why guruji did u make my father weak. what went wrong, is it the things i havent been doing right, i know my faults all to well guruji. but why, why cant he be like what his gals, his 3 girls want him to be, be the man of the house, support the household. take care of his wife. mummy needs so much TLC she deserves it, i await to be by her death bed. i know its such a bitter thing to say, but i do, her only true salvation is when she finds you dear lord.

i always want whats best for the people i love. like when i used to steal chocs for my sisters in primary school i was what 7-8? being that young i knew we didnt have the privilege of eating candies and thats what kids want. and i stole it from my mini-mart under the block and gave them to my sisters.i know it was an unjust thing, staling and it was wrong, i knew it then and i know it now, but i remebered the faces of my sisters when they got it, i used to say 'óh a friend had a birthday, and gave me more'. liar too i was but i knew white lies. i knew what i did was wrong but we never had the privilege. remember my childhood guruji. ..... i remeber mummy never there cos she always work. and papa drinking still does now. more than ever. was it any fault of ours? i wonder. maybe it is maybe our birth conpired the universe to have shifted and change the courseof my mothers life. if i could die knowing things wrong things never been done upon her i would. my mother hapiness is my priority. she HAS to get it. she had everything. a strong father a loving mother. brothers who loved her and sisters around. m mother had it. i wish she was with them again, the sturdy fierce yet gentleness of my towering nanaji and the softness yet enduring love of my nani. i will never forget my first time seeing her in that Medan hospital. her hands, the grip.

i cant explain it. the feeling, the lack of it. when nanaji cam to visit when i was 6 i had to go to school ut et i knew i had to stay to spend time with my nanaji.as kkids we never had any grandparenting, and so i envied when people had them cos i didnti was young yet i knew we needed it. when monica stay a year with us dadaji called everyday to speak to her and not us, why? who were we?

we were surely kids in NEED of loving, thats why maybe i love sandip toomummy has given her all to us but we needed a fathers love, aunts love uncles love cousins love grands love. i waana see my life fast foward 10 years. i do. i wanna have my own kidcradling he or she to sleep, her head against my boob for comfort, i would be missing mummy i know of it. i miss her now even as she lays in the other room asleep.

i want that job guruji, i may not deserve it, but i dont deserve to be a burden on my mums frail shoulders. im her angel im suppose to lighten the load and not add more. please guruji i so need it. im so sorry for the ssnail icant comprehend my feelings as best i can. i wish ur seeing this all happen waheguru. see whats happening to mummy. i dont know what happens after we die but i know blood is strong and faith is interminable, so i KNOW you babaji and my nani and my nana can see what LIFE is doing to her.

mummy deserves so much, she doesnt deserve us at all. we burdened her to have stayed in this marriage, we were the sacrifice, the heart breaking, money wasting specimens in her life, if she never had us none of this would happen and she could walk out of a situation or marriage with no strings attached,be the women she had wanted to be, she would have made you proud, waheguru.

you know best guruji! you do and i have faith in you i always do. 19-faith was re-instilled. u had her there thoughout my days in hospital. she was and is my back bone, but who is hers? her wall, her support.i wont be able to live without her but i will try when the time arises. people change but why never you changed my father? why?

doesnt it make u sick guruji to know what he did. i know and its unfathomable.

why my mum?

why her?

take my anything babaji to give her wat she wants/be it my life i would gleefully surrender. make no tears of sadness escape those eyes that have seen it all, make her every smile come from her beautiful heart, make her happy so happy she puts joy to shame. give her that she deserves. give here babaji. this new year 2011. remove my dad from the picture once and for all. once and for all.