After All this Years.....

oh well, after all this years.
since ive known him, friends, occasional buddies...random chats, bosom buddies, dating, lovers.

needless to say, i have been proud of myself in this relationship. although it lasted a mere 3yrs. as the 4th year meant nothing to him...: which is understandable. a relationship is more than just having the ear for worries and thoughts, arms for a nice warm hug and a heart that really beats for the one you love.

loving him was the best thing to happen to me since 2006, which i barely remember but i feel it when people around me re-tell the stories. my mum has done alot for me and i am ever so grateful, she knows i love sandip as much as i do her, allowing me to travel on my own countless times, trusting me and in return trusting him as well.

i trust that i have given and done my best in this relationship. to me it really is my first relationship, although as his girlfriend i never really felt i belonged to him, i know that my first love will be known as my baby, sandip was and will always be known as that, baby. its not childish or absurd, but the man who loves me and whom i love should be treated with care and love, he earn the term :) when i was his baby too, i miss that. the distance sadly took a toll on the relation, on him mostly. im patient, i cant just yet leave mum, as simmy weds. theres nikky too. and sandip well i have had him before, now only my silence can justify that.

I cant imagine a life without him, i cant avoid him, i cant not think of him when i do things, go on trips, shopping or even eating, drinking, enjoying.

I guess i miss the way i meant to him, because it felt worth it before, i felt worth it. now i don't.

and to think that he believes his a free bird now proves that i have been eradicated from his heart soul and mind, now im even wondering if i was even there before. i understand his male hood, needing a love that is tangible, but what can i do if we both got to live apart for now.

don't you think i need someone here too, to meet every other weekend, to hold my hand when i need strength to kiss my cheeks even when i have tears rolling down, to roll me little tissues for my bleeding nose or gum...surely i do. to accompany me for my countless yearly appts/followups. :) I'm sure i do.
after all every one deserves a some one in their life.

i have been open and honest to him with everything.

balraj got my first kiss but sandip he got the whole deal. and he knows it. and im really the simplest girl around im not crediting myself, i can swear on that, i dont expect anything not from the beginning. not from watching my dad as i grew up. i knew i could not do the same again. perhaps i really cant. i believe in GOD, and i know i didnt just survive the turmoil in '06 to be squashed again by a broken heart,

and hey it has been a roller coaster, my life, so im saying goodbye to blogging. im really back to the old me now. keeping everything inside. it has always been the safest plce i know. so good luck to all those blogging this is perhaps the last time i log into here....

i wish the best for everyone, love and care be of reach to everybody, let no ones lips be denied food or water, lets all take the compassion out and spread it around. i wish the earth to be a safer place for our little ones. perhaps my young one someday too. i wish he exists, :)

i wish the best for the man i love, wish GOD gives me strength, let him do well in his life and love someone as much as i loved him.
:)

wjkk wjkf
phk

its easy to tell some one its over, or hey lets take a break. but what does that really mean?

i understand the break. but it really ios not easy to patch up again.

things surely must change.

they are suppose to right.

so to ensure lasting love and understanding, you must be willing to change if you want me to have you back in my life, for me you never left.

Perhaps i did in your life.

Things run throught my head. you got tired of sleeping around? so you r done with this break or you missed me genuienely . i really dont know.

you must make the effort. you have to, cause i know im worth it. maybe what all those random strangers say is the truth, i deserve better than you. i dont know.

shed that ego, that idiocracy malehood possesive jealousy skin. layer on the love and sensitivity. i beg you. for i will only allow my heart to be crumpled once, never broken, never misled. things have to be different, our outlook. our future, our plans. you left me for 3months even more.

the ball is in your court now.

life as of 27 june 2011

life is not turning out too well.

im doing most nights now, its not being good on my body.

im puking blood, i hope its not avms in tummy. but i dont mind if it is either.

atleast i know HHT is alive and around waiting to happen next. like whats gonna happen next.

i dont expect pity or sadness from ppl. im an attention lover in most ways but not a forced kind.

this is my life and im leaving it, and also responsible to it. i dont need a back bone or any support from ppl. because i know whats it like to love some one who doesnt love you back and all you have is your flaws in hand.

i got you HHT for life and you got me.....just dont surprise me too much


gd night world.

...for now

~25~

im 25 in another 20mins, nothing has really changed.

what i have learnt is the more you love the more it will hurt.

so here i am, i have an establishing career with Pan Pacific Suites. Hope It goes well.

i dont have much wishes on my end, however i do have a list i wish to accomplish.

1.driving llicense

2.bachelors

3.get engaged(slightly impossible)

4.excel at work

5.save more

6travel further

7.pray often

8.exercise regularly

9.smile every day

10.maintain a good healthy relation with all who knows me and whom i know

~

guess thats it.

oh and love more too

:)

2011

Im gonna get there eventually.

I know i will achieve it.

I know i have what it takes.

confidence and positiveness is what i exuberate.

im talented, well multi-talented if u can say :)

and i have a good strong support from my love near and far.

thats the man i cherish. love is subtle. us is more passionate and practical. we have short term goals and long term goals which we are together reaching.

i dont know why

but my tears are easy these days

i dont feel loved.

i realised i always give my all, 100%. be it work or personal.

i shower baby, thats how i am, i love him i do with all my heart. my beating heart.

i love mummy too, i think i deserve to be loved too, alot infact.

the med student and the sick gal has gotten me thinking alot.

the doctor and the hht gal. he used to call me that before, teases i know. but i know deep down. i know it better than anyone.

all i can do is smile right thats the purpose of my birth, im a smilling pinky.

2011

oh yes and it s a new year, happy 2011. america shud happen this year!

2011

oh yes and it s a new year, happy 2011. america shud happen this year!

why

why did GOD make women strong and men weak.

i know you would ultimately know why W. why my dad is weak and mum is strong, although i am indepted to you for the strength you have given her all these year without anyone by her side, i know i would have crumbled if in her position. but why guruji did u make my father weak. what went wrong, is it the things i havent been doing right, i know my faults all to well guruji. but why, why cant he be like what his gals, his 3 girls want him to be, be the man of the house, support the household. take care of his wife. mummy needs so much TLC she deserves it, i await to be by her death bed. i know its such a bitter thing to say, but i do, her only true salvation is when she finds you dear lord.

i always want whats best for the people i love. like when i used to steal chocs for my sisters in primary school i was what 7-8? being that young i knew we didnt have the privilege of eating candies and thats what kids want. and i stole it from my mini-mart under the block and gave them to my sisters.i know it was an unjust thing, staling and it was wrong, i knew it then and i know it now, but i remebered the faces of my sisters when they got it, i used to say 'óh a friend had a birthday, and gave me more'. liar too i was but i knew white lies. i knew what i did was wrong but we never had the privilege. remember my childhood guruji. ..... i remeber mummy never there cos she always work. and papa drinking still does now. more than ever. was it any fault of ours? i wonder. maybe it is maybe our birth conpired the universe to have shifted and change the courseof my mothers life. if i could die knowing things wrong things never been done upon her i would. my mother hapiness is my priority. she HAS to get it. she had everything. a strong father a loving mother. brothers who loved her and sisters around. m mother had it. i wish she was with them again, the sturdy fierce yet gentleness of my towering nanaji and the softness yet enduring love of my nani. i will never forget my first time seeing her in that Medan hospital. her hands, the grip.

i cant explain it. the feeling, the lack of it. when nanaji cam to visit when i was 6 i had to go to school ut et i knew i had to stay to spend time with my nanaji.as kkids we never had any grandparenting, and so i envied when people had them cos i didnti was young yet i knew we needed it. when monica stay a year with us dadaji called everyday to speak to her and not us, why? who were we?

we were surely kids in NEED of loving, thats why maybe i love sandip toomummy has given her all to us but we needed a fathers love, aunts love uncles love cousins love grands love. i waana see my life fast foward 10 years. i do. i wanna have my own kidcradling he or she to sleep, her head against my boob for comfort, i would be missing mummy i know of it. i miss her now even as she lays in the other room asleep.

i want that job guruji, i may not deserve it, but i dont deserve to be a burden on my mums frail shoulders. im her angel im suppose to lighten the load and not add more. please guruji i so need it. im so sorry for the ssnail icant comprehend my feelings as best i can. i wish ur seeing this all happen waheguru. see whats happening to mummy. i dont know what happens after we die but i know blood is strong and faith is interminable, so i KNOW you babaji and my nani and my nana can see what LIFE is doing to her.

mummy deserves so much, she doesnt deserve us at all. we burdened her to have stayed in this marriage, we were the sacrifice, the heart breaking, money wasting specimens in her life, if she never had us none of this would happen and she could walk out of a situation or marriage with no strings attached,be the women she had wanted to be, she would have made you proud, waheguru.

you know best guruji! you do and i have faith in you i always do. 19-faith was re-instilled. u had her there thoughout my days in hospital. she was and is my back bone, but who is hers? her wall, her support.i wont be able to live without her but i will try when the time arises. people change but why never you changed my father? why?

doesnt it make u sick guruji to know what he did. i know and its unfathomable.

why my mum?

why her?

take my anything babaji to give her wat she wants/be it my life i would gleefully surrender. make no tears of sadness escape those eyes that have seen it all, make her every smile come from her beautiful heart, make her happy so happy she puts joy to shame. give her that she deserves. give here babaji. this new year 2011. remove my dad from the picture once and for all. once and for all.