my nephew

Its October Baby :)

I am so glad its nearing the end of October. My sis is due this month end and i will be waiting to be a proud aunt :)

still 26 and very much single myself.

today I got awarded the EgCC award for july-sept :)

yay!!

What I want and need to put first

I'm on a high low. I know it comes and goes. This is also led up by a pile up of negativity, emotion, contradictions, and things I lack.

I left for nightshift without even having dinner at home. Made my way to the mrt station on foot. Walked passed the park, the upcoming building of adorable green, then on through Yishun reservoir through north point down the escalator and voila in the cooling train now. Along the way I always take time to reflect... On life on situations on things I should have done said or shouldn't have taken any action what do ever....

I felt low although not as low as times I've cried my walking journey home. Today was the opposite direction plus I had no energy to generate tears I assume that is true...

Along the way, backto that, couples held hands, foreigners and locals alike... People smiling into their phones obviously loving the company on the other line... And I guess it's just I never had that....

The girl on the train opposite my seat is reading the alchemist. Tempted to tell her it's a good book. Reminds me of the whole universe and it's conspiracy once again. I believe it to an extent... I wanted to visit London pretty badly when I was a teen.... And then HHT happened. SICU happened NICU followed. Neuro scan, head surgeries, CT scans, MRIs, Angiograms... One month antibiotic infusion, carrying that pouch that hourly infuses the antibiotic into me.... Then news of me needing another head surgery... The abccess in the brain collected again and solution was to tube it. Which I carry in me till today almost 7 years ago, memories are interestingly remembered in a 3rd person figure....

I'm just saying whats on my mind, I want that other shadow next to mine. I want that hug when I need it and even when I don't need it.... I want you and I don't wanna wait any longer.... Sadly it's only me that is thinking this way....

Signing off now abt 3 stops away from work.... Till I conjure up words for the post.....

Can't take it anymore

Call me weak jealous sensitive but I can't help it. I always thought you would be my escape! Save me from here save me from me in a way. But this has been dragging to long don't you think. I'm suppose to be a mother now. I'm suppose to be really truly love by my significant other. I'm 25, 26 in a months time. I have a career ladder to climb, a degree to achieve, driving license to accomplish yet no love to fight for nor courage to endure criticism. All I have is my disease and my tube, my heart, my procrastinating brain with abscess, lungs with avms and luckily some faith in my belief of Guruji. You see, I'm a Sikh after all ...I'm a woman too in need of love more than sex. Wanting to be married to you. But I guess it's not all the time that your first becomes your last. Sadly I've really loved you SA. Guess I'm not the one.... I hope we find ours. I wished I was yours.


Phk
Apparently no ones

I'm a Woman too

I have simple desires too
I yearn to be a part of you
I want to nurture a part of me too
I rarely expect
I wait and ponder instead

I want a life
I don't ask of it to be easy
I know together we can make it
I want you to love me too

I want to be missed
I want a chance
I want that love
I don't want to envy people
I want to write my own story, chapter by chapter

I crave for such comfort
I am simply a woman, with good ethics, with a good heart
I do not wish harm onto others

I deserve my happiness
I have earned it....
I hope you can see it

how does it work?

How does someone become of importance. Its contradicting I would assume that an incident whether it has occurred or yet too, can infact deter the mindset of a certain individual. Or perhaps they lack the sense of sensitivity itself. Egoistic, gloomy or any such personality traits. Interesting indivicuals i shall presume. An event could have would have or could have develop drastic changes, and some people, rather smart of them, have used circumstances to their favor.

I would say I had mt chance, I believe in different things and it may take me abit longer to achieve my goals. but I will get there.

WJKK WJKF

After All this Years.....

oh well, after all this years.
since ive known him, friends, occasional buddies...random chats, bosom buddies, dating, lovers.

needless to say, i have been proud of myself in this relationship. although it lasted a mere 3yrs. as the 4th year meant nothing to him...: which is understandable. a relationship is more than just having the ear for worries and thoughts, arms for a nice warm hug and a heart that really beats for the one you love.

loving him was the best thing to happen to me since 2006, which i barely remember but i feel it when people around me re-tell the stories. my mum has done alot for me and i am ever so grateful, she knows i love sandip as much as i do her, allowing me to travel on my own countless times, trusting me and in return trusting him as well.

i trust that i have given and done my best in this relationship. to me it really is my first relationship, although as his girlfriend i never really felt i belonged to him, i know that my first love will be known as my baby, sandip was and will always be known as that, baby. its not childish or absurd, but the man who loves me and whom i love should be treated with care and love, he earn the term :) when i was his baby too, i miss that. the distance sadly took a toll on the relation, on him mostly. im patient, i cant just yet leave mum, as simmy weds. theres nikky too. and sandip well i have had him before, now only my silence can justify that.

I cant imagine a life without him, i cant avoid him, i cant not think of him when i do things, go on trips, shopping or even eating, drinking, enjoying.

I guess i miss the way i meant to him, because it felt worth it before, i felt worth it. now i don't.

and to think that he believes his a free bird now proves that i have been eradicated from his heart soul and mind, now im even wondering if i was even there before. i understand his male hood, needing a love that is tangible, but what can i do if we both got to live apart for now.

don't you think i need someone here too, to meet every other weekend, to hold my hand when i need strength to kiss my cheeks even when i have tears rolling down, to roll me little tissues for my bleeding nose or gum...surely i do. to accompany me for my countless yearly appts/followups. :) I'm sure i do.
after all every one deserves a some one in their life.

i have been open and honest to him with everything.

balraj got my first kiss but sandip he got the whole deal. and he knows it. and im really the simplest girl around im not crediting myself, i can swear on that, i dont expect anything not from the beginning. not from watching my dad as i grew up. i knew i could not do the same again. perhaps i really cant. i believe in GOD, and i know i didnt just survive the turmoil in '06 to be squashed again by a broken heart,

and hey it has been a roller coaster, my life, so im saying goodbye to blogging. im really back to the old me now. keeping everything inside. it has always been the safest plce i know. so good luck to all those blogging this is perhaps the last time i log into here....

i wish the best for everyone, love and care be of reach to everybody, let no ones lips be denied food or water, lets all take the compassion out and spread it around. i wish the earth to be a safer place for our little ones. perhaps my young one someday too. i wish he exists, :)

i wish the best for the man i love, wish GOD gives me strength, let him do well in his life and love someone as much as i loved him.
:)

wjkk wjkf
phk