oh well, after all this years.
since ive known him, friends, occasional buddies...random chats, bosom buddies, dating, lovers.
needless to say, i have been proud of myself in this relationship. although it lasted a mere 3yrs. as the 4th year meant nothing to him...: which is understandable. a relationship is more than just having the ear for worries and thoughts, arms for a nice warm hug and a heart that really beats for the one you love.
loving him was the best thing to happen to me since 2006, which i barely remember but i feel it when people around me re-tell the stories. my mum has done alot for me and i am ever so grateful, she knows i love sandip as much as i do her, allowing me to travel on my own countless times, trusting me and in return trusting him as well.
i trust that i have given and done my best in this relationship. to me it really is my first relationship, although as his girlfriend i never really felt i belonged to him, i know that my first love will be known as my baby, sandip was and will always be known as that, baby. its not childish or absurd, but the man who loves me and whom i love should be treated with care and love, he earn the term :) when i was his baby too, i miss that. the distance sadly took a toll on the relation, on him mostly. im patient, i cant just yet leave mum, as simmy weds. theres nikky too. and sandip well i have had him before, now only my silence can justify that.
I cant imagine a life without him, i cant avoid him, i cant not think of him when i do things, go on trips, shopping or even eating, drinking, enjoying.
I guess i miss the way i meant to him, because it felt worth it before, i felt worth it. now i don't.
and to think that he believes his a free bird now proves that i have been eradicated from his heart soul and mind, now im even wondering if i was even there before. i understand his male hood, needing a love that is tangible, but what can i do if we both got to live apart for now.
don't you think i need someone here too, to meet every other weekend, to hold my hand when i need strength to kiss my cheeks even when i have tears rolling down, to roll me little tissues for my bleeding nose or gum...surely i do. to accompany me for my countless yearly appts/followups. :) I'm sure i do.
after all every one deserves a some one in their life.
i have been open and honest to him with everything.
balraj got my first kiss but sandip he got the whole deal. and he knows it. and im really the simplest girl around im not crediting myself, i can swear on that, i dont expect anything not from the beginning. not from watching my dad as i grew up. i knew i could not do the same again. perhaps i really cant. i believe in GOD, and i know i didnt just survive the turmoil in '06 to be squashed again by a broken heart,
and hey it has been a roller coaster, my life, so im saying goodbye to blogging. im really back to the old me now. keeping everything inside. it has always been the safest plce i know. so good luck to all those blogging this is perhaps the last time i log into here....
i wish the best for everyone, love and care be of reach to everybody, let no ones lips be denied food or water, lets all take the compassion out and spread it around. i wish the earth to be a safer place for our little ones. perhaps my young one someday too. i wish he exists, :)
i wish the best for the man i love, wish GOD gives me strength, let him do well in his life and love someone as much as i loved him.
:)
wjkk wjkf
phk
